And so it begins again. Actually, it began about half way through September. The run up to Christmas. I could remain true to type and baa-humbug my way through this post, but I'm going to surprise you all ('you all' of course being that one Austrailian kid who's computer is on the blink and has left him with this bog as his homepage) by saying that I love this time of year. Love it. Even with lots to do betwixt now and then, such as two holidays and oodles of days at work, the power of Christmas is a wonderful time. The shortening of the days, the lengthening of the nights (obviously) and the chill in the air. then we have the wonder of the German Christmas Market, with all it's mulled wine and preserved meats, far too many people crammed into a small area, but hey! it's Christmas so everyone's happy dispite the crush.
Whoops, gotta go, leaving this piece unfinished and with probably terrible prose, but my time has come to an end and there is drinking to be done...
Friday 30 October 2009
Monday 26 October 2009
3 THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF
Lets get one thing straight, right off the bat here. Lots of things piss me off. Granted, not as many as there used to, not since 'Simon's Philosophical Enlightening' (I may tell you of that someday, but then again, probably not) but still quite a few things. In fact, the number may well be growing once more with the onset of a new 'age decade'- hitting the 30 barrier commences the mind set of a grumpy old man and with it the feeling that you are right and everything else is too loud.
So, three things that piss me off. Why? Pretty much only because I'm sat at home on a wet and miserable day trying to kill the hours before trudging off to work. And the porn isn't working. Let's face it, why would I be sat here, typing inane paragraphs for you to, in turn, waste your time on if there was pornography to be a-viewing?
These aren't really the main things in life that piss me off, just a trio that I happened to get to thinking about yesterday while sat in work. There's none of the normal boring stuff I usually spout off about, such as organised religion or rap music, and in fact, two of these things more freak me out than piss me off. So already we can ascertain that the title is misleading and the content matter isn't terribly important. Oh boy. I really think one of two things should happen now. Either I should stop typing this drivel, or failing that, you should stop reading. If both of these fail, then I must set down the disclaimer:
"The author of this text does not accept any liability or responsibility should the passage be deemed woefully boring and not in the least bit funny."
Item the first:
Tails on people. Not so much a piss-me-off sort of item, but more something that really disturbs me, brought to the fore while watching the preview for James Cameron's new movie Avatar. Sure, it may be computer generated, and the fictional beings are actually alien life forms, not people, but the fact they are humanoid forms, walking around with tails on display is rather unsettling. Don't get me wrong, I love monkeys. Watching the cute little fellas, no matter what the species, is fun. But a different matter altogether if you put a man in a monkey suit. No sir, I can't be having that. Think of the kid from Jumanji, the one who turns into a monkey as a penalty for messing with the board. That section of a pretty harmless film is hard to watch. Because he has a tail.
Avatar, for all it's 'years in production' and 'moving boundaries of cinematic technology' is going to be an absolute nightmare to watch. People do not, should not have tails. It is wrong. So very very wrong.
Item the Second
Reproducing cartoons. I don't mean taking a cartoon character and making lots of copies of it, I mean a male character and a female character and cartoon kids being the end product. How sick must the cartoonist's mind be, imagining his creations with full functioning, anatomically present 'bits'? A recent example being the third Shrek installment where the two ogres start a family. Not only is that copulating cartoons, but it's obese, ugly cartoons having it off. Makes the skin crawl. And don't get me started on animated animals settling down to start a family, there is just way too much filth to comprehend!
Item the Last
A funny one this, as I've only just hit upon the fact that it irks me. Dream sequences in novels. Stay with me on this, let me explain. I'm a great lover of reading, nothing gets the cerebral
juices sparking like a good book. But when you hit upon a great chapter, perhaps the pace picks up, maybe an important plot point comes close to being revealed, when all of a sudden the author chucks in a bloody dream passage. Very lazy and frequently filled with devices that have no bearing in the physical reality of the story. I don't remember my dreams. Dreams are not important for progression. They should not be used to, for example, show the lead character which way to turn or the next person that should be spoken with. It holds up the story and is a slack method for the author to try his hand at fantastical musings. Stop it.
So, three things that piss me off. Why? Pretty much only because I'm sat at home on a wet and miserable day trying to kill the hours before trudging off to work. And the porn isn't working. Let's face it, why would I be sat here, typing inane paragraphs for you to, in turn, waste your time on if there was pornography to be a-viewing?
These aren't really the main things in life that piss me off, just a trio that I happened to get to thinking about yesterday while sat in work. There's none of the normal boring stuff I usually spout off about, such as organised religion or rap music, and in fact, two of these things more freak me out than piss me off. So already we can ascertain that the title is misleading and the content matter isn't terribly important. Oh boy. I really think one of two things should happen now. Either I should stop typing this drivel, or failing that, you should stop reading. If both of these fail, then I must set down the disclaimer:
"The author of this text does not accept any liability or responsibility should the passage be deemed woefully boring and not in the least bit funny."
Item the first:
Tails on people. Not so much a piss-me-off sort of item, but more something that really disturbs me, brought to the fore while watching the preview for James Cameron's new movie Avatar. Sure, it may be computer generated, and the fictional beings are actually alien life forms, not people, but the fact they are humanoid forms, walking around with tails on display is rather unsettling. Don't get me wrong, I love monkeys. Watching the cute little fellas, no matter what the species, is fun. But a different matter altogether if you put a man in a monkey suit. No sir, I can't be having that. Think of the kid from Jumanji, the one who turns into a monkey as a penalty for messing with the board. That section of a pretty harmless film is hard to watch. Because he has a tail.
Avatar, for all it's 'years in production' and 'moving boundaries of cinematic technology' is going to be an absolute nightmare to watch. People do not, should not have tails. It is wrong. So very very wrong.
Item the Second
Reproducing cartoons. I don't mean taking a cartoon character and making lots of copies of it, I mean a male character and a female character and cartoon kids being the end product. How sick must the cartoonist's mind be, imagining his creations with full functioning, anatomically present 'bits'? A recent example being the third Shrek installment where the two ogres start a family. Not only is that copulating cartoons, but it's obese, ugly cartoons having it off. Makes the skin crawl. And don't get me started on animated animals settling down to start a family, there is just way too much filth to comprehend!
Item the Last
A funny one this, as I've only just hit upon the fact that it irks me. Dream sequences in novels. Stay with me on this, let me explain. I'm a great lover of reading, nothing gets the cerebral
juices sparking like a good book. But when you hit upon a great chapter, perhaps the pace picks up, maybe an important plot point comes close to being revealed, when all of a sudden the author chucks in a bloody dream passage. Very lazy and frequently filled with devices that have no bearing in the physical reality of the story. I don't remember my dreams. Dreams are not important for progression. They should not be used to, for example, show the lead character which way to turn or the next person that should be spoken with. It holds up the story and is a slack method for the author to try his hand at fantastical musings. Stop it.
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