Golden Age of Jobbies and Whatsits

So after many years of being content with not really being part of the technology age (actually, 'content' is probably not the right word- try 'downright smug'), I have now hit the proverbial gadget ground with a thud. Granted, I did have my desktop computer- how else would I have been able to communicate with all you lovely people otherwise?- but I was the one who would proclaim loudly that "yes, I know it's an old phone, but I don't need anything else", and "actually, I don't have television", and even "does anyone really need such clear images? Surely VHS was good enough?".

But alas, the last few months have seen the emergence of all sorts of electrical paraphernalia. I sit typing these words on my shiny new laptop, whilst the HD television brings the sound of cable TV into the house, and the iphone rests lovingly within reach. Added to this, a blu-ray player waits patiently in my Amazon basket and the DAB radio brings crystal clear football commentary to my ears.

Why such a change in technological philosophy? New credit card! That, and the fact that yes, images are better in high definition; yes, phones are better when the Internet can be accessed with ease; yes, perhaps even a little bit of tele can be appreciated (only for football mind, I still don't like having the idiot box in my home, that corrupter of minds and purveyor of garbage). Gadgets are good. I guess it's the way of all things, all homes will fill with these electrical whatsits, techno-jobbies will fill cupboards and boxes the length and breadth of the country. There is no escape from it (unless you live in North Korea that is) so it may as well be embraced.
Long live this golden age!

Nice Pics

Having stumbled upon the blog after many long weeks away, I was glimpsing over previous entries and realised there is a distinct lack of pictures floating about. Mostly due to laziness, but nevertheless, I really should adorn my posts with a little bit of visual stimuli. The World Cup 2010 is currently underway, so perhaps that theme could be utilised. But that would just be going along with the crowd. I need to stand out, be an individual. How about some really eye-popping modern art? The only drawback, however, is that I subscribe to 'all art is useless', stolen right from the introduction to The Picture of Dorian Grey, so it wouldn't be fair to either myself or the art in question to follow that route. A nice cute picture of a kid? Not unless I want the rozzers after me for being in possession of child images.
So how about a half-naked lady? That'll do nicely.

Cheerio.

Meanderings and Mutterings for the New Age

What a good title. Really like it. No idea what the rest of this blog will include, but the title sets it off at a reasonably steady pace. The only problem is I don't actually have anything to bring to the table. Nada. Not a sausage. So as you, dear reader, are already switching off and perhaps thinking about whats for tomorrows tea, I shall endeavour to churn out some of my usual crap.

Looking at the title, it seems to suggest that we are currently in the future. Which is a bit of a silly thing to say because if we are in the future then it is actually the present, but as soon as that conclusion is reached then it is in the past, and you find yourself embroiled in the Back to the Future time-line argument once again.
But maybe this is the 'new age'. It is after all 2010, and it is my first blog of said year (I know, I know, it's the end of March so the year is already a quarter of the way through, but you know what? Don't care) so we are now in a new decade of this new millennium, and technology is already at the point where it scares the be-jesus out of me.
Fair enough, we don't have flying cars but still, I used to consider myself no slouch when it came to computers, but what use is my knowledge of an Acorn BBC nowadays? Most kids in the western world have more inkling about whats going on online than I will ever have. Perhaps I hanker for a simpler time, when our lives weren't controlled by computers and mobile phones and ipods, although in saying this I do remember many times as a child when the electricity would go out (we lived in the country) and I would be determined to see out the darkness as painlessly as possible... and often reached for the TV remote. So maybe I'm not all that disconnected from technology after all.

The point of that long-winded, aimless story? No point. I'm sat at work and really bored so am just typing to keep my brain from crusting over. Honestly, 9 days straight in this place is enough to turn a nun to mass murder. Living between the walls in glorious isolation like Steve McQueen sat in the cooler- albeit without the baseball and glove, and perhaps a little less awesome. Not that sitting in solitary in a Nazi POW camp would be awesome. History and countless WWII films have taught me that. Mind you, I wouldn't mind being in the camp where Hogan and his heroes were interned. That seemed like fun. But perhaps not exactly historically correct...

Anyway, back to sense. Or as close as I can get. Alice in Wonderland is currently playing while I sit here banging out these words. Rubbish movie. Jumping on the whole 3D bandwagon. What I want to see is porn 3D. Now there's a money spinning idea if I ever heard one, 3D boobies and everything else, displayed in glorious digital. The people would come from miles around to see such a spectacle. Sure, that was the only reason Avatar was successful, wasn't it? The big blue girl alien kept revealing the slightest sight of a nipple in most of the scenes.

I'll leave you with that thought. I guess I should probably do a little bit of work, though I may just put my feet up and continue with Dickens' Hard Times. Thoroughly recommend it if you haven't had the pleasure.

Simon out.

Oh, by the way, in case you were wondering about tomorrows dinner (I started thinking about it as soon as I typed it, which is probably the reason for this blog being so 'shit'), I would just like to pass for the record that, all being well, I shall be having a burger in the Marble Arch pub. If you haven't had the experience, I urge you all to do so. The finest burger (and may I say chips) to be found in all the Greater Manchester area. Fact. The beer is pretty goddamn outstanding too.

ONLY 56 MORE SLEEPS TILL CHRISTMAS

And so it begins again. Actually, it began about half way through September. The run up to Christmas. I could remain true to type and baa-humbug my way through this post, but I'm going to surprise you all ('you all' of course being that one Austrailian kid who's computer is on the blink and has left him with this bog as his homepage) by saying that I love this time of year. Love it. Even with lots to do betwixt now and then, such as two holidays and oodles of days at work, the power of Christmas is a wonderful time. The shortening of the days, the lengthening of the nights (obviously) and the chill in the air. then we have the wonder of the German Christmas Market, with all it's mulled wine and preserved meats, far too many people crammed into a small area, but hey! it's Christmas so everyone's happy dispite the crush.

Whoops, gotta go, leaving this piece unfinished and with probably terrible prose, but my time has come to an end and there is drinking to be done...

3 THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF

Lets get one thing straight, right off the bat here. Lots of things piss me off. Granted, not as many as there used to, not since 'Simon's Philosophical Enlightening' (I may tell you of that someday, but then again, probably not) but still quite a few things. In fact, the number may well be growing once more with the onset of a new 'age decade'- hitting the 30 barrier commences the mind set of a grumpy old man and with it the feeling that you are right and everything else is too loud.

So, three things that piss me off. Why? Pretty much only because I'm sat at home on a wet and miserable day trying to kill the hours before trudging off to work. And the porn isn't working. Let's face it, why would I be sat here, typing inane paragraphs for you to, in turn, waste your time on if there was pornography to be a-viewing?

These aren't really the main things in life that piss me off, just a trio that I happened to get to thinking about yesterday while sat in work. There's none of the normal boring stuff I usually spout off about, such as organised religion or rap music, and in fact, two of these things more freak me out than piss me off. So already we can ascertain that the title is misleading and the content matter isn't terribly important. Oh boy. I really think one of two things should happen now. Either I should stop typing this drivel, or failing that, you should stop reading. If both of these fail, then I must set down the disclaimer:
"The author of this text does not accept any liability or responsibility should the passage be deemed woefully boring and not in the least bit funny."

Item the first:
Tails on people. Not so much a piss-me-off sort of item, but more something that really disturbs me, brought to the fore while watching the preview for James Cameron's new movie Avatar. Sure, it may be computer generated, and the fictional beings are actually alien life forms, not people, but the fact they are humanoid forms, walking around with tails on display is rather unsettling. Don't get me wrong, I love monkeys. Watching the cute little fellas, no matter what the species, is fun. But a different matter altogether if you put a man in a monkey suit. No sir, I can't be having that. Think of the kid from Jumanji, the one who turns into a monkey as a penalty for messing with the board. That section of a pretty harmless film is hard to watch. Because he has a tail.
Avatar, for all it's 'years in production' and 'moving boundaries of cinematic technology' is going to be an absolute nightmare to watch. People do not, should not have tails. It is wrong. So very very wrong.

Item the Second
Reproducing cartoons. I don't mean taking a cartoon character and making lots of copies of it, I mean a male character and a female character and cartoon kids being the end product. How sick must the cartoonist's mind be, imagining his creations with full functioning, anatomically present 'bits'? A recent example being the third Shrek installment where the two ogres start a family. Not only is that copulating cartoons, but it's obese, ugly cartoons having it off. Makes the skin crawl. And don't get me started on animated animals settling down to start a family, there is just way too much filth to comprehend!

Item the Last
A funny one this, as I've only just hit upon the fact that it irks me. Dream sequences in novels. Stay with me on this, let me explain. I'm a great lover of reading, nothing gets the cerebral juices sparking like a good book. But when you hit upon a great chapter, perhaps the pace picks up, maybe an important plot point comes close to being revealed, when all of a sudden the author chucks in a bloody dream passage. Very lazy and frequently filled with devices that have no bearing in the physical reality of the story. I don't remember my dreams. Dreams are not important for progression. They should not be used to, for example, show the lead character which way to turn or the next person that should be spoken with. It holds up the story and is a slack method for the author to try his hand at fantastical musings. Stop it.